i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
