i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
