Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Randomize
