What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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