:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
