i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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