Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
