life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Randomize
