Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
