i mean i cnt help that this campus has the highest STI rate
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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