my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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