I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Randomize
