i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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