the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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