Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Randomize
