Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
