Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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