Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Randomize
