We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
