so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
