wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
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