its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
