I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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