i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
