the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
