my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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