Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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