my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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