my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
