i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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