What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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