SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I can't turn off my feet"
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
