i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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