and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
