proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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