the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
