i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
