We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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