My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
