I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
