So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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