Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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