Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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