Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
