So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
