One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I'm at about main and main street
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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