dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
