i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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