Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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