This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
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He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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