I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
