You smell like stripper and shame
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
