my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
