Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
